I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
