accomplished twins. life is a go
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I deserve this hangover.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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