Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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