Betty ford says i'm here all night
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
