so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
