Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I enjoy the company of your penis
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