So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
