cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The Olympian is in my bed
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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