k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
false alarm, still single
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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