Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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