my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
