mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
