At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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