i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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