I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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