mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
well you can't waste a boner
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
