What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
