Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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