I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
