the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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