Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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