I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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