you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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