i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
