You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
