hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
