So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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