Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
