Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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