You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
