i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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