Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
