my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
