What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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