perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
