How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
