I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
