Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
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i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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