i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
