I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
