we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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