then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
