I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
