I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
