his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
