I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
