Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
