I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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