I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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