my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
