i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
