Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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