this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
