I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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