I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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