I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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