mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
