well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
