Nicole vs. Life
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
