uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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