I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
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I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
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Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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