Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
COCAINE IS GR8
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
